exploration of that one neighborhood

the first thing i think of when i round that one bend
is how a world starts where this one just ends
the magic, the quiet, the shock and surprise
the ebb and the flow, the fall and the rise
where once there was shadow, a light can be seen
that minuscule sliver of charming moon beam
the certain uncertainty keeps up the ruse
that entrances my eyes and besieges my muse

time to [stop] pretending

the straightening of shoulders
the upward tilt of the chin
the solid, steady stance
all speaking loudly
trying to drown out the
whispers
that quietly scream



just because you're pretending
doesn't make the
truth

not



true

hey. the Bible is awesome, ya know?

For you are a people holy to the Lord your God.

The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession,
out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.
It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set his love on you and chose you,

for you were the fewest of all peoples

but it is because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers,
that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery,
from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

Know therefore that

the Lord your God is God
the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments,
to a thousand generations

oh yeah

i have a blog. hm.

i've been doing some thinking. about life. and looking. for jobs.
i'd like to be a photographer.
i'd like to go all over the world.

i think i'll start with study abroad. in ireland. that sounds nice.
then maybe an internship. in australia. that sounds good.
after that, a job. on a cruise ship. that sounds promising.



i'd very much like to leave this country.

i'm super bad at blogging

for many reasons. first and foremost being, i'm lazy.

at any rate, i'm blogging now, so here's the skinny. i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. I DID NOT COME OUT CRYING! that was literally one of my life goals, and i'm so glad to have completed it. however, i look like i got socked in my face by a thug. it's great. i also get to eat cold, sweet stuff that i don't normally get to eat for the next day or two. it's exciting.

and as for as my monthly challenges, i couldn't think of a good one for may, so i just kinda skipped it. teehee. but for june, i'm not having any sort of chemical replacement for sugar. which means no soda and no gum. anyone who knows me knows that this will be extremely difficult for me. thus far, i've been successful. having the wisdom teeth has helped, no gunna lie. but i think i'll be able to pull it off for the rest of the month. good times.

chapter 2: before there was the bad tom, there was the good tom

i’ve blocked out most of the memories of my childhood. either that or a have a bad memory. either way, i don’t remember much of it.
as a small girl, i lived in the richest county in virginia. you’ll remember what i said about being underprivileged and i will say again how hard it was. instead of having our own pool, we had to go to the community pool. but we grinned and bore it, and i think i’m a better person because of it.
you see, when i was 2 years old, i thought (rightly so, i might add) that i was invincible. i still think this today, which is why i have no insurance, jump out of planes, and have black friends. as it turns out, invincibility is skill that is only perfected by practice and isn’t simply acquired at birth or caused from being a super hot alien with x-ray vision (that’s right alf, i’m looking at YOU).
at any rate, when i was 2 years old, i almost drowned in the underprivileged community pool. luckily for me, it was at the precise moment of my almost drowning that i mastered the art of being invincible. in fact, for a brief stint, i was the black knight in monty python but i ultimately had to leave for contractual reasons. (john cleese was ripping me off)
once i became invincible, i decided that the only course of action was to pursue a life of daring physical feats or as american housewives so unglamourously call it ‘tom boyism’. being a tom boy meant doing all the fun, cool stuff that the boys were doing like sports and collecting nails and bolts found in home depot.
i also climbed trees when i had the chance. i once saw a cat in a tree that couldn’t get down, so i climbed up, sat on the limb next to it and laughed. i then climbed down the tree, leaving the cat to a horrible fate of a diet of only oak leaves and sap lite. he’s still there today, and he’s grown a beard and holds council sessions for all female birds who don’t understand why their husbands are so much more attractive than them.
another part of the tom boyism was shunning all things girly. all the tom boys in my neighborhood would hold weekly meetings (of which i was the overseer and treasurer, of course) to talk about how we hated tea parties and the colour pink. these meetings often evolved into riots and we once took out an entire chain link fence in our frenzy. only 3 people were severely injured.

i still don't know the difference between an autobiography and a memoir

chapter 1: facing hardship in uncertain difficulties of bad times
i was born to a terribly underprivileged family. i later was the sole reason that they rose from obscurity to be the american royalty that they are today, but i’ll get into that later. right now, it’s only important to understand that i was a poor downtrodden soul. well, nothing besides the incredible talent that very few people have; the ability to make everyone think you’re amazing at something, even when you suck.
this may have been from my dazzlingly good looks. as a child, i was often cooed over and admired by the adults. i would sit in my high chair and smile, wink, and every now and then give kissy lips to my group of admirers who were my parent’s friends. they laughed and cooed some more. much like in those unrealistic flash back moments in sitcoms where everyone is laughing like a bunch of morons and though the situation might be conceived as humourous, you can’t help but feel an air of superiority creep into your soul as you watch.
this was my entire childhood. but please remember, i was underprivileged. because the fact that i’m underprivileged establishes me as the underdog protagonist, which no one can help but root for. when i win the nobel prize for being awesome in chapter 17, no doubt you will cry when i once again remind you, i was underprivileged.

friendship is a very comforting sort of thing

i recently got to spend an entire weekend almost exclusively with one of my dear dear friends. sure, we saw old friends and meet new ones, but i got to spend the vast majority of my time with her.

i'd forgotten what a wonderful thing friendship was. i really had. i see my friends all the time, but there's just something about sitting down and spending hours of uninterrupted talking, laughing, praying, being silly and serious together. it's delightful.

there really is a reason that the Bible is such a proponent of community. for all my extrovertedness, i actually can become very reclusive and isolate myself in my own little world where it's all about me. it takes true friends slap me upside the head and say, hey! there's a great big world out there that needs Jesus!

oh how i value those friendships! those friendships that force me to take my eyes off ME, encourage me to be selfless, point me to Christ. those friends who have seen me as i really am; broken, proud, in desperate need of the cross, and who love me. i thank God for those friends, who show me so well how to love like Jesus.

i had a rather extraordinary experience this weekend.

i've been to washington dc more times than i can remember. i've been to the monuments, visited the museums, played in the parks, walked the streets. i've seen dc. but i've never really seen it. this weekend, for the very first time, i was made aware of the stark contrasts within the city; a wealthy city with desperate poverty, a bed of crime in the capital of justice, successful businessmen next to unemployed homeless men.

last saturday, one of my best friends and myself took a very brief trip down to the nation's capital to interview for an internship. we sat in on meetings, ate ethiopian food, meet a whole slew of people, went on a prayer tour of the city, and managed to exhaust ourselves to the point of near collapsion. these were all fantastic experiences (ok, i could have done without the exhaustion), but the thing that will stand out as the most memorable experience of the trip involved no people, no food, no sound. at the end of the prayer tour, we went to a spot that overlooked the city. you could distinctly see a thousand quietly twinkling lights and the less subtle washington monument and capitol building. as beautiful as this picture was on its own, it paled in comparison to what i saw.

there was a lightning storm that was ongoing throughout the tour and when we got to the lookout, you could clearly see every magnificent streak.



when i was in the domincan republic, there were times that you could plainly feel that there was a spiritual battle going on. as i saw the lightning streaking down towards the capitol building, it was like i was actually watching a spiritual attack on the city. it was one of the most awe-inspiring things i have ever witnessed.

THE MONTHLY CHALLENGE CHALLENGE - april

well folks, it's that time again. the beginning of a new month. i would have posted yesterday, but everyone would have though it was an april fools joke.

ok, that's a lie. i didn't post yesterday because i'm lazy/i forgot.

either way, i'm posting now and that's the important part. anywho, as it is a new month, i have a new MONTHLY CHALLENGE!! quick update on last month: i only bought gas once, deodorant once, and a gift for a friend that really couldn't wait. all necessities. month of march = SUCCESS!!!

the challenge for this month is to go off facebook. i find my challenges are much more attainable when it involves me NOT doing something. a friend who shall remain nameless has changed the password of my facebook and has been quoted saying that "if you ask for it before the month is over, i'll post on your status that you're a closet yankees fan!!" (she never actually said that) i must never been accused of that, so i plan on never asking. until may that is.

as for my spiritual challenge, i'm going to read the Bible every single day. this may not seem like a challenge for some of you, but it's never been easy for me, so i think this should be quite good. and [BONUS] my accountability partner is doing it with me. moral support for the win!!

sometimes i hear improbable dramatizations of life

listen to all these pretend people
listen to them talking
laughing
wishing

listen to them trying to breathe meaning into their lives
but they can't quite.......
do it


listen to all these pretend people
listen to their stories
jokes
complaints

listen to them trying to impress you with their lives
but they can't quite.....

do it

listen to all these pretend people
listen to their embellished lies
exaggerated exploits
inconceivable experiences

listen to them trying make up utterly unique, distinguished lives
but they can't


quite...



do it

i get philosophical sometimes o' nights

now is one of those times. it's usually after i've watched a movie or youtube clips of famous people being all famous and whatnot. i start to think about how pointless fame is, and yet at the same time how powerful it is. the famous are a force to be reckoned with. whole countries listen to them, and for what? so we can be influenced by the extremists in the media and take notes on how they live so we can do likewise?
oh america. how silly you are. you exult fools and folly, and in so doing, condemn your children to further foolishness. but what then?
will we continue in a downward cycle until the only people in the public eye are those willing to lower their standards?
will we try to better ourselves?
will we turn to emotion, art, ideas, or other ultimately useless knowledge?
will we seek truth?
will we value goodness?
will we abandon all former discernment and chase after only the new, exciting thing?



only God knows.

i should probably give up writing.

i speak so much more eloquently using images.

THE MONTHLY CHALLENGE CHALLENGE - march

well children, we've entered a new month, and with it, a new challenge.
how did i do on last month's challenge? oh ya know, i BEASTED it.
no. no, not really. but i did complete it. two of the books i read may or may not have been much shorter than the ones i originally intended, but hey, i read three spiritual books. challenge beasted.

what do i plan for march? quite simple really. i am to spend no money unless it be absolutely necessary. like, toothpaste or something. gum is not a necessity. ergo, i will be rationing my gum this month.

this will be hard.

BUT. God gives me grace for every day (even if He sees fit not to give me gum).

ALSO. as i was talking to my dad this evening about the march challenge, he said, 'so what your spiritual challenge?'
i think this is genius to have a spiritual challenge as well as a regularly scheduled one. therefore, the month of march will be 'encouragement month'! i'll make it a point to message, text, email, or write on someone's wall an encouragement about how i see God working in their life. so be godly so i can encourage you.

hast thou no scar?
no hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?
i hear thee sung as might in the land,
i hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star,
has thou no scar?

has thou no wound?
yet i was wounded by the archers, spent,
leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent
by ravening beast that compassed Me, i swooned;
hast thou no wound?

no wound? no scar?
yet, as the Mater shall the servant be,
and pierced are the feet that follow Me;
but thine are whole: can he have followed far
who has nor wound nor scar?
-amy carmichael

AND THE ACADEMY AWARD GOES TO...

as the season of the Oscars approaches, i find myself asking more and more, what makes a movie good? is it script? character development? direction? acting? an original plot? what is it? what makes a movie worthy of an Oscar?
according to my extensive research (i seen a few of the movies that are up for Oscars. and i've watched other movies besides those. WHAT NOW!!), i've come to the conclusion that it's a mixture of all those things and others. but everybody knows that. finding the perfect blend of all these essential ingredients is the key to making a memorable film. and few people can do it. true, different movies appeal to different audiences, and while people who think rom coms are the best things since luke's haircut may not particularly enjoy "silence of the lambs", they can at least appreciate the talent and effort that went into making the film.
but there's another thing that makes movie critics do a double take; originality. take the best picture noms for this year: black swan, the kids are all right, 127 hours, inception. all movies that that either made your head spin or pushed the social envelope in a way that was too monumental to be ignored. so the academy rewarded it. but only one film will join the 82 other immortal Oscar winners and become extraordinary.
as i start to plan a movie of my own and look at elements that will make it successful, i wonder what the process really is, how the judges break down the categories and rate them. how do they assess performances? just what makes a script worthy of an award?
i'll probably never know for sure, but it sure will be fun trying to figure it out.

the putting off of the imminent history paper[s]

did you ever want to tell a story but you couldn't find the words?
did you ever have just the words to say but no story to go with it?
have you ever told THE story with THE words, but found it made no sense?
it wasn't original?
it didn't fit?
it wasn't right?
it wasn't smart?
it wasn't thrilling?
it wasn't breathtaking?
life isn't very interesting. that's why storytellers change it.
but sometime they don't. and we still like it.
why is that?
it's because life is relatable. we like to be entertained.
but sometimes,
that doesn't cut it.
guns, explosions, impossible romances, magical fairytales, feats of strength, greatness, nobility; they're all well and good.
but something within us responds

when a man comes home from work
tired,
stressed,
worn out,

and looks at his wife
and smiles
and says


"what's for dinner?"

offensively indifferent

i love movies. a lot. and as a movie lover, i tend to have favourite actors and actresses. as a result, i read a significant amount of material pertaining to these people and their movies. often times this is in the form of blogs and online articles, which allow the readers to comment. more often than not, the comments are entirely unintelligent and useless because people are stupid. especially people who don't appreciate the artistic work that goes into making a movie and only critique it based on the level of entertainment that it afforded them.
but i digress. suffice to say, even when the comments were clearly written by ignorant movie watchers, i'll get offended when they insult one of my actors or actresses (because they are MINE, after all). as i was thinking about this the other day, something suddenly hit me; do i feel the same way when people slam Jesus as i do when they slam an actor i like?
this was a very sobering thought. i'd like to say that i do, but that's not true all of the time. if i'm in a conversation with someone and they say "ughhhh, i hate gwyneth paltrow" i'll immediately jump to her defense. but if someone takes the Lord's name in vain, i practically don't even notice.
my culture has numbed me to the point of indifference. may God give me grace to begin to feel again.

Benjamin Franklin's 13 virtues

if i'm going to be made to read this stuff for history, then by golly i'm going to make the best of it.

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or your­
self; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each
part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; per­
form without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others
or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in some­
thing useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and
justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the
benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting inju­ries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body,
cloaths, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents
common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring,
never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own
or another's peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

isaiah 12

you will say in that day:
“i will give thanks to you, o Lord,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.
behold, God is my salvation;
i will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”

with joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. and you will say in that day:

“give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.
sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known in all the earth.
shout, and sing for joy, o inhabitant of zion,
for great in your midst is the Holy One of israel.”

THE MONTHLY CHALLENGE.......CHALLENGE

(disclaimer: this would have been much more appropriate if i had posted it in january.) greetings earthlings! happy new month!!
so this year, instead of doing new year's resolutions, i've been inspired by my supertastic friend kara to do (cue the snl voice over guy) *MONTHLY CHALLENGES*.
now you may ask, what is a monthly challenge? it's a challenge that you have to complete every month. obviously.
basically, the game plan is to set a challenge at the beginning of every month, and if you complete the challenge, you give your self a prize. *arrested development quote of the day* "a lovely, lovely prize."
my january challenge was to do yoga every day. i never thought of a reward for myself if i completed that one, so i failed. shame HOWEVER, it was good for me to do, because now i know what realistic monthly goals are. and i know to give myself a prize at the end. it IS the most important part of this exercise.
as today is the first of february (the day when charlie went to the chocolate factory, in case anyone was wondering), i have my monthly challenge; i am going to read THREE spiritual books. a chance to die (a biography of amy carmichael) by elizabeth elliot, a praying life by paul miller, and either just do something by kevin deyoung or worldliness by cj mahaney. my prize will be to go to borders at the end of the month, and buy myself a novel. i'll probably read it too.
the reason i'm blogging this is so i have massive amounts of accountability on the matter. cuz, ya know, accountability is good.
oh yeah, and i'm going to tweet nothing but bible verses. henceforth, february shall be known as "the holy month".
thank you, and good night.

ps february is also wes anderson character profile picture month. please plan accordingly.

a visit back to childhood

FAVOURITES OF THE TRIP

song: let her dance - bobby fuller four
movie: breakfast at tiffanys
night: tuesday
day: sunday
drink: watermelon bubble tea
food: super fake pancakes
place: georgetown
activity: hair dying
show: arrested development
conversation: music/movies/life with emily and danny
hug: molly's hello
moment: at panera, listening to my old, dear friends laugh

won't

sometimes i want to feel
special
so i do things to impress
sometimes i want to feel
priceless
so i look at my great worth
sometimes i want to feel
significant
so i see my own distinction
sometimes i want to feel
unique
so i go against the grain
sometimes i want to feel
something
then i remember that i won't

so when does real life start?

there are nights when i can't sleep
and nights when i just don't
i'm just saving my sleep for real life

sometimes i try hard to think
and it doesn't always work
i'm saving my thoughts for real life

the moments i breathe are fixed
and they're short-lived and sweet
i'm saving my breath for real life

i gravitate towards living
and it's harder than it looks
i'm saving my life for real life

plain, common, regular, normal

most people are ordinary. they're born into ordinary families, go to ordinary schools, get ordinary jobs, and live ordinary lives. they meet other ordinary people, have ordinary relationships, ordinary marriages, ordinary children. they meander through their ordinary existence until they do their final ordinary thing; die. it's so strange that we ordinary people tend to look at the extraordinary among us and wish we had what they have. [if only i had this extraordinary singing talent, if only i had this extraordinary acting talent, if only i had this extraordinary athletic talent] until we vicariously live our ordinary lives through extraordinary people.

but the truth is, we're all ordinary. we're all so terribly ordinary that we make it a game to see how far from ordinary we can get. and the person who gets farthest from it honestly doesn't get very far at all. so i can crave a different lifestyle, i can pursue my talents with reckless abandon, i can work at something until my strength gives way, but within myself, i will never be extraordinary. hm.

.

what do you do when you fall in love with your best friend
what do you do when you break just as you start to bend
what do you say when your words always get in the way
what do you do when the hardest thing is best for you

what do you think when your thoughts always come from your heart
what do you think when the one you trust tears you apart
what do you say when your words keep getting in the way
what you do you think when you know you're standing at the brink

when you took that leap you knew you'd fall
you just didn't know it hurt so bad
when you stopped falling and hit the ground
when you loose something you never had
but you thought you had