me --
you've never heard of faive halfes?
i'll tell ye
there i was
mindin me own business
and outta nowhere
BANG!!!
i'm down
unconscious
thought i was dead
till i woke up in a white padded room
no furniture
only a soup bowl
with half of a plastic spoon
so seein as i had nothing else to do
i picked up the soup bowl, put in on my head and started doing the obvious thing
so i danced the polka for about 4 hours
and three minutes and fourteen seconds
so
on the fifteenth second
i heared a voice
coming from below me
"what the divil d'ye think you're doin?
doog dog! you must be bloody off your crokker!"
i had lost it
or so i thought
i looked down
and the half spoon had turned into a tiny, stark white, person
like dough boy, only not fat
and smaller
and a cool accent
so i did the only natural thing
challenged him to a ninja duel
and he accepted
but i thought!
atch!
i must know his ninja name before we duel!!
"i say good sir
have you a ninja name?"
"the divil i do!"
(cuz that's how ninjas talk at ninja duels)
"and pray, what might that be?"
"tis faive halfes"
good lord
thought i
"i
...see?"
"you do not, ye young, pathetic, knownothing!"
"I say-"
"SHUT YER GALL DERN TRAP!!"
never have i been so intimidated by a broken half of a spoon
"yessir"
"NOW DUEL ME, YE UNGRATEFUL, FLEABITTEN, RASCAL!!"
so it began
it was a long, hard duel
it lasted thirteen point one seven seconds
and i had to lift four whole fingers
but in the end
he prevailed
he jumped on my nose
and started to touch my eyebrow
and i lost it
fell flat on my face and begged for mercy
suddenly
faive and the white padded room were gone
and here i am
chatting with you
Molly --
now
if it were a whole spoon
or
heaven forbid
a spork
that would be perfectly understandable
sporks
they are frightening foes indeed
i faced one once
had to resort to evading tactics
there was no other option
it was that
or be subjected to its spines and
oh i shudder to remember
the rounded side
such a frightening thing
i could not even get to the point of raising any fingers
suffice it to say
i was exceedingly lucky
that the waterbottle of flying sparkle was there
sporks hate those things
no
flything
flything is far more accurate
yes
it is a thing
that flies
so therefore
flything
it is the flything
of sparkle
it was my only hope
i raced for it
at fastest of ninja speeds
it was
incredible
blinding to ordinary humans
we only manage to see because of our wind-blocking eyelashes
i was sure the end had come
my last ninja star had been bent by the curved side of the spork
and my katana was stuck between its tines
bent
it made me ache inside to see it
but what could i do?
i had one last jutsu to try
but to do it
i had to have a flything of sparkle
who knew the only flything of sparkle that would fall into my path would be a waterbottle?
there was nothing for it
i dodged behind the bottle
it was larger than me
and the spork came flying at me
with my katana still clenched tightly between its tines
i almost cried to see it
and the spork
didn't realize this water bottle
was a flything of sparkle
so i waited until the last moment
and punched one side of it
it twisted
throwing reflected light into the spork
i shouted many secret ninja words
peformed my hand signs
and turned the lights into shards of glass!
and the spork collapsed
and released my katana
i grabbed it and ran
(flything, flything, save us now
from the evil that surrounds)
the spork was stunned
and i was able to escape
but the spork is still out there
gathering his power
we might encounter him in the near future
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