new year

i don't typically do new years resolutions. even if i do, they last about four hours and twenty three seconds. however, i "recently" (a few minutes ago) "stumbled" (i googled it) upon this resolution: "Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live."
that i might be able to swing. but as easy as it may sound, living with all your might is anything but. it's hard work. i'd venture to say it's absolutely impossible. after all, you can't possibly make every single second of every single day count for something. besides, even if you could, wouldn't you want to relax every now and then? what's worth putting every ounce of effort i posses into?
"Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power, might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of."

a personal opinion: heavenly happiness > worldly happiness.

Jonathan Edwards agrees.

break here here!!

ok, so break has been here for a while, i just haven't had the motivation actually write about it. so here we go:
break. what we call "three weeks of bliss". and as the name subtly suggests, it's blissful. relaxing, stress-free, chill. it's fun too. like when you get to sleep till 10 everyday. that's fun. and when you accomplish absolutely nothing through the course of an entire day. that's fun. and when you get to eat cookies and chocolate like there's no tomorrow. that's fun. until you have too much. then it's not. but ya know what else is fun?? VISITORS!!! yes my friends, we have people visiting. it's great. my cousins are here right now, and when they leave, my best friends from VA are coming. and we will have fun. not the aforementioned fun. different fun. like staying up all night to watch movies. and going to boston. and going to providence. and going to nyc. and seeing WICKED ON BROADWAY. that's fun.

i like fun.

"F" is for friends who do stuff together
"U" is for you and me
"N" is for anywhere and anytime at all
down here in the deep blue sea

My favourite charlie brown quotes

"i'll give you five good reasons - one, two, three, four, five."
"those are good reasons."

"Of all the charlie browns in the world, you're the charlie browniest"

"get the biggest aluminum tree you can find. maybe paint it pink!"

"THAT'S IT!!"

"good grief."

"you do think i'm beautiful, don't you?....you hesitated. if you thought i was beautiful, you would have answered right away. i know when i've been insulted! i know when i've been insulted!!!"

"do they still make wooden christmas trees?"

"i've killed it. EVERYTHING I TOUCH GETS RUINED!!"

"The innkeepers wife has naturally curly hair."

"...and they were sore afraid."

"i can't memorize these lines so quickly! why should i be put through such agony?"

"i ruined the entire christmas play! everybody hates me!! moses hates me, luke hates me, the apostles hate me! all 50 of 'em!!"

"just send money. how about tens and twenties."

"charlie brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree."

"if you buy two, we'll throw in an autographed picture of king solomon."

"merry christmas charlie brown!!!!"

'tis the season

.....for finals. yes boys and girls, the most wonderful time of the year is here. time for studying, thinking, reading, writing, and cramming till you're blue in the face. it's fun! you get to pull all-nighters, lose any semblance of the social life you once had, and become the most coffee dependent person on the face of the planet. i know this. i'm a college student.

However, in this time of studying and stress, it's nice to take a break (or in my case, many breaks), and remember what the point of all this is: education.

wait. i don't want an education. i want to run away to new york city and be on broadway. but then, if i do that, it's very likely that i'll starve to death, because i don't have the drive or talent to be a singer or an actress. hmmm.

so, maybe all these seemingly pointless and impossible classes *coughCHEMcough* are actually a good thing. maybe studying like crazy will teach me about being more diligent and disciplined. maybe finals will help me later on in life when i actually have to work to live.


or maybe i'll just dance through life. after all, it's more painless when you're brainless.

tRaDiTiOn

my desire to have fun wins over my desire to be responsible and mature. all the time.
so much for being successful in college.

A random list of pointless things about me

• i love music more than life (but less than Jesus)
  
• i love creative writing
• i LOVE christmas!!
  
• i have the best friends (don't even try to deny it)
• i've been a part of sovereign grace ministries my whole life
• i'd love to live in boston some day
  
• i wish i could dance
  
• i want to be a photographer
  
• or an actress
  
• or a recording artist
  
• i don't want to get married
  
• i used to want to live in Australia
  
• i was obsessed with Lord of the Rings when it came out (don't judge)
  
• i love college
  
• i randomly quote movies. and people rarely know what i'm talking about
  
• i'm given to uncontrollable fits of laughter
• i don't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me. but i'm strangely accepting of myself
• i wish i could make money as a poet
  
• ever since i was 3, i've wanted to be a missionary in China
  
• the end
  

this was supposed to be a light, fun, silly poem

Heed, my child
listen well
for the clanging,
chiming bell
ringing in
far near to far
the old, the young
normal, bizarre
the cold, the broken
misunderstood
the poor, the needy
the bad and good
for everyone
the bell chimes on
until the very last
has gone

B & C

don't panic though you shiver
though the spies and sparks are coming
though the yellow sky means trouble
you still ride high speed parachutes
but you know we never change
viva la vida has become so low
but everything's not lost
politiks are in my place
the scientist is making clocks
God put a smile on your face
a rush of blood to the head
is a warning sign of daylight
your life in technicolor lets you see
the green eyes in amsterdam
hidden by white shadows
the speed of sound will fix you
but what if you got lost?
x & y make 42
yes, death and all his friends
all ride the strawberry swing
they talk about a message
as they dive into a glass of water
violet hill hid the cemeteries of london
and now you're back to square one

Honestly...

College is great. I'm having fun, classes are going well, i'm making friends, etc etc. There's just one little problem. SLEEP. yes my friends, sleep is more often than not on the list of things i wish i could do, but due to extenuating circumstances, i can't. that and seeing New Moon. (stop freaking out, that was a joke). Seriously though, i'm thinking i may need to rethink and re-prioritize my life. "Oh, don't worry about," my subconscious mind is telling me. "It's still early afternoon, and you've got the whole weekend to write five pages of your research paper that you haven't started. That's two full days to search databases and do that OTHER research project that you have due. And who cares if you don't really study for the chem exam. you'll probably pass."
Ahhh, my good old senior year friend Procrastination has followed me to college. and other best friend from high school, Social Fun is making a comeback too. it's oh so tempting to listen to them and give in. after all, out of all the nutrition majors in my classes, i'm the one with the best grades and the best work ethic. that means i can slack off, right? WRONG! however much i may want to deny it, life will go on after college and what i do now will effect what happens to me then. So instead of verbally dissecting that thought, i'm going to start my homework. Huzzah for research!!

You're not dead until you've died

the little girl sat in her yard
and played with her balloon
she laughed, and jumped and whirled around
until the Winds of Doom
approached her from the northeast west
and stole away her toy
but up she jumped and off she ran
to divert the evil ploy
along the curb she made her way
as fast as she could go
hither and thither, thus she went
she neither stopped, nor did she slow
until there entered in her gaze
a man with hair of white
a brown hat and jacket did he wear
they overcame her sight
"My pretty child," did he say
his teeth missing and yellow
"stop a while and talk to me,
there's a lovely fellow."
he grabbed her arm and sat her down
his weak looking hands were strong
"Now listen to my ghastly tale.
I promise it won't take long."
so down he sat, his wat'ry eyes looked far
and in a twinkling his voice changed
going from old-man-kind to hard
"There i was," the old man said
"sitting there alone.
and lo, he came, the master sir
chewing on his bone.
i said to him, good day! says i
and then he turns his head and says
'i can't imagine why.
the sky is blue, the trees is green
and everything's abloom.
if you're asking me, and though you're not
i'd say a bad day looms'
and off he walked, his small head down
the bone still in his mouth
i wondered what his trouble was
to make him go thus about
a noise i heard so i looked up
and right there in a tree
was the prettiest bird there ever was
if i'd been a bird, i'd be he
and such a pretty song he sang
i thought that i should die
for the music that had hit my hears
was for those worthier than i
but i listened, for i could
to the wond'rously pretty bird
and as i did, i closed my eyes
and spoke ne'ery a word
and suddenly, there flashed to mind
the image of a rose
different from others i'd seen
for it wasn't poetry, but prose
and though 'twas prose and therefore plain
it was as pretty as a paintin
like i'd looked for it my whole dern life
but it was worth the waitin
but then my rose started to wilt
and i just couldn't stop it
i tried and tried and tried again
but down it fell, bit by little bit.
now this whole time the bird had sung
his song of cheery life
but when my rose started to die
he sang a tune of strife
and yet again his song did change
and also did my picture
for in my mind's eye i did see
a wide and long and healthy pasture
full of horses was this field
all of different size and shape
mothers with their little foals
and at those ones i did gape
for there sat one who'd just been born
a brand new life, a miracle
but as i looked, he trembled so
and his tiny legs gave out
he fell to earth with a soft moan
which left room for little doubt
now all the while the bird had sung
his good and awful song
changing pictures in my head
making right things wrong
and as he started the third verse
an idea came to my mind
i opened up my eyes and said
'You've got me in a bind.
i've no idea what you can do
besides this picture thing
why, all i know about you
is you're a bird and you can sing.
you're songs hold power
i know not how
but i want you to stop,
stop this madness now.'
he stopped his song and looked at me
his eyes were bright and smart
'i see you've learned of my strange craft
is it not an art?
for with it, i can bend your will
to any way i want it
i can subdue your every thought
isn't it just marvelous?'
'No,' i said, with hidden rage
'your craft is bad, it's awful.
what you take's not yours to have
people's minds are full.
and here you are, destroying peace,
disrupting happiness
and you think you have the right?
killing what is hapless?
'Ahh, you see it's not like that
it's not like that at all
i like to lift things up so high
so i can see them fall
you see, so many think this world
the one that's all around
is something that they can control
and they lift off the ground
they fly away on pathetic dreams
and lofty hopes of things to come
they think they have the hang of it
until the clock strikes one
though cinderella's dream ends at 12
for an hour, she still believes
she hopes and prays it might come true
but when one comes, she sees
and then she drops, a glorious fall
her dreams all crash into pieces
and for next 100 years
no one knows what peace is.
and simply put, that's what i do
i break the dreams of dreamers
i give them pain and misery
and take their happy streamers;
for all must learn the lesson
to all it must be taught
you never can find joy in life
it neither can be given nor bought.
so mark your lesson well young man
for i'll tell you this one time
your path is wrought with sadness
and you never will be fine.'
and off that horrid bird did fly
into the bright blue sky
i never saw that bird again
and i know the reason why.
now listen well, my little girl,
for this next part is key
if you remember nothing else,
remember this of me
my whole existence was full of pain
i hated more then loved
i saw no hope, nor joy nor light
for i never looked above
but then one day, i saw the sun
hiding behind a cloud
and in that moment, i realized
the light i'd finally found
there's always joy, there's always hope
if you're willing to seek it
and sometimes if you're lucky,
why you might even be it"
and then the old man slowly stood
leaned on his cane and sighed
"live your life and don't forget,
you're not dead until you've died."

Autumn in New England

A picture says a thousand words

singing home from the metro to coldplay on an autumn night

by Molly Malone


The darkness squeezes between the city lights
Yellow flashes cutting across its peace
Her voice harmonizes to impossible heights

Look at the stars

We don’t know what we’ll do when we arrive
We only know Fairfax city and crooked yellow lines
Chris Martin leads and we’re all glad to be alive

Look how they shine for you

I’m the picky one, no Ting Tings and Muse
I want something to sing to a yellow moon
We all know this is something we’ll lose

And all the things that you do

The windows up because the backseat was cold
The lights I hope will flash yellow glow red instead
We sit while my melody and their harmonies fold

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you



Look how they shine for you



Italics © Coldplay

a long weekend

I went to VA with my big bro and sis this weekend. I discovered that I have been richly blessed.

Plug, Close, Shut, Fold, Stop

Plug your ears
Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Fold your hands
Stop your breath

Plug your ears
Don't listen to those around you
They don't care
Do they?

Plug your ears
Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Fold your hands
Stop your breath

Close your eyes
Don't look at the pain around you
It doesn't matter
Does it?

Plug your ears
Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Fold your hands
Stop your breath

Shut your mouth
Don't speak against evil around you
It wouldn't help
Would it?

Plug your ears
Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Fold your hands
Stop your breath

Fold your hands
Don't reach to help those around you
They don't want you
Do they?

Plug your ears
Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Fold your hands
Stop your breath

Stop your breath
Don't bother to breathe the air around you
You don't need it
Do you?

The Real Self

People never show you their real self. You may occasionally see a glimmer, a glimpse of the person behind the fake smile, but it's rare. In a way, people aren't fully real unless they're alone, and even then they often manage to hide reality from themselves. Once in a while, they'll look in the mirror and see who they really are. Sometimes they hate it, sometimes they don't. When they hate the image before them, they escape. Parties, friends, wild extravagance. Trying harder and harder to blot out the picture of the real them. but in the end, they can't. It's impossible. They never forget. Why? because for a brief moment, they saw the truth. They saw what they really were and it disgusted them. So they ran. To the world. The world told them many things. "Use music to banish your thoughts. Use people. Use money. Use booze. Use, use, use, take, take, take. Taking will make you better. It will make you forget."

But they can't.

Forever, the image of the their true self will haunt them. Sometimes they see it again, and like a delicately healed wound torn asunder, they will feel it afresh. And they will bleed. Try as they might, they can't heal it. They slap on bandaids the world continually hands them, listening to its soothing voice, "This one will make it better. This boy, this job, this school..." until they finally realize that bandaids won't make it better. Bandaids don't heal a wound. Healing comes from care.

But they don't know how to give the wound care. So they will bleed every time they see the truth of who they really are. Until someone shows they care, and tells them how to heal the wound.

Even though they won't show you their real self, it's there. Waiting.

Two posts in one day? What is this??

I decided to actually use my blog for what most people use it for; to vent!!

So, I broke my foot today. The same one I broke almost two years ago. Only I was playing football in high heels last time. And just like last time, I've complained non-stop since it happened. "It's not fair." I've said it over and over till I'm dizzy and mixed up and emotionally wacked. Why did it have to happen now, just as I'm starting the school year? Why did it have to be my foot? God, do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to walk up those stupid FSC hills with crutches? Seriously, why?

Then I remembered.

Crossway recently went through a series on trials. It was a great series with great messages, and while I listened to them I kept thinking to myself, 'man, I've never been through any real trials.' And as I heard Sunday after Sunday the joy that God gives through trials and how self-sufficiency is striped away, I began to pray for them. I prayed that God would draw me closer to Him in a way I couldn't resist. And then I broke my foot. Dang.

But even as much as having a broken foot sucks (sorry mom), I know that God is going to bring good of it. Did you know He's sovereign? I know, isn't that great?! I would have preferred to have had a trial that didn't effect my transportation situation, but hey, we don't get to pick our own trials. And amazingly, I'm going to get through this! Prayers and encouragements from friends have helped so much. My friend Sawyer said this in a really thoughtful email --
"Even though it's going to be hard, don't be discouraged. Just remember that all the trials we have to pass through, are for our good, and are God's way of strengthening us. So, I'll continue to pray fervently, and repeatedly."

Thanks for all your prayers. I love you guys!!

"Piercing the Cross and the Switchblade Again"

A scene from a novella I'm writing. (don't worry, "Piercing the Cross and the Switchblade Again" isn't the real title.) Thought it turned out pretty well. Annnnnnd I have nothing else to post so, here it is!

* * *
"Who are they?"
"Not they. It's just one. Him. Can...can you see him?"
"Patience son, the crystal reveals all in time. Now, tell me more about this spirit."
"Um, he's in my head. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like, randomly he'll just start talking to me."
"What does he say?"
"I don't know, all kinds of stuff. Stuff about himself and how I should back to where I came from."
"Where was that?"
"I'd rather not say. Hey, can you see anything yet?"
"Oh, I can see him. yes, there he is. He is small and grey, with orange eyes. Long, thin fingers too."
So that's him.
"Wait, he is changing! He is tall now and thin, he has light brown hair. His eyes are green-grey and he has a tattoo on his back."
Mark froze.
That's me.
Yes, you and I, we're the same. I'm part of you. You can't escape me.
"He's talking! Can you get him out? I'm beggin' you! Get him out!!
She can't hear you. Mark, give up this petty soul searching and listen to me.
"You should listen to him."
Mark looked up at the women and found her eyes fixed on him. They were dull and lifeless.
I know what I'm doing. I've been with you for eight years.
"He's knows what he's doing."
I can lead you back to a prosperous life.
"He can take you to new heights."
I can make you the richest man in the world
"he can give you whatever you want."
I only ask for one thing
"All he wants is-"
Your soul
Why is this so hard?
* * *

Grace for Today

I have a friend. Her name is Molly. She is very wise. She gave me this counsel about college --

there is no grace for tomorrow

there is only grace for today

right now

so no, you can't handle tomorrow,
or the whole semester right now

heck no

you can only handle right now

this moment

this day

so, take today

trust God for it

and live it

and then tomorrow, do it again

Post

I feel like i should post...

That was fun.

Running

*Title given by Rebekah Tracy*

Feet
pounding pavement
the thrill
Body
moving rhythmically
the beat
Pulse
pumping wildly
the throb
Exhilaration
excited energy
the rush

Part 2

Truth
conformity to facts
But if there is no truth, are there facts?
Yes
What are they?
Life; the very existence of humanity
Life?
It is a fact
Indisputably, life exists at this moment
Now?
And at the beginning
The beginning? The beginning of what?
Time
when life began
So there is a fact. Life itself is a fact
So?
What does that prove?
How did life get here? By chance? By design?
Yes
The Great Designer
A designer greater than anyone can imagine
Oh
But where? How?
All around. Everywhere you look, He is there
He?
Who? And why?
Him. Because He cares. He is the creator
Of?
Creator of what?
Everything. The sun, moon, grass and sea
See?
He is there
Waiting. Waiting in case one should call
Call?
Call on Him?
The created call on the Creator?
Yes
No. He wouldn't hear
He would. He hears everything.
How?
How can He?
And why does He care? He shouldn't
Oh?
Why shouldn't He?
What created thing would call on the maker?
Yes
What would?
And even if He does hear, he doesn't listen
Hear
Hear and listen
The same yet different. Do you listen?
No
I only hear
I don't have time to listen. Who does?
Him
The Designer
He makes time. He listens. He loves
Why?
I don't understand
Why don't you ask Him for yourself?
He listens

Truth - Part 1

Real.
What is real?
Real is whatever you want it to be
No
Real is truth
Real is seeing the world clearly
Yes
Seeing the world
But who really can see the world?
Me
Can you?
Can you see it with perfect clarity?
No
Of course not
After all, you're only human
Yes
that's right
No one can really see reality
No?
No one at all?
How is it real if no one can see it?
Oh
I understand
Reality is relative, truth, an approximation
Yes
There is no truth
Reality is whatever you make of it
Why?
Well, why not?
If no one can see truth, it cannot exist

This college stuff is yuck

Books, meal plans, classes, lectures, schedules, deadlines, AAAAHHHHH! aka, college. That's right folks, I am now in the freaking out stage of college prep. Books have been ordered, classes assigned (well, most of them...), and now I'm patiently waiting for school to begin. Am I ready? Absolutely not. So often this week I've been finding myself wishing I was going anywhere but Framingham come Tuesday. Maybe I didn't seek God enough on this. Maybe I just did this because it's what all my friends are doing. Maybe I should wait a year. Maybe I should go do missions stuff instead of going to college. Oh yeah, missions. Sharing the gospel. Being a light in a world of darkness. Maybe this is what God wants me to do. Maybe if I get beyond my own discomfort and selfishness, I'll see a bigger plan that is much more involved than I could ever imagine. Maybe I could stop leaning on my own understanding and trust that God knows what He's doing. It sure makes my job a lot easier.

"Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one." - John 17:11

Come to Me

I got back from Youth Camp 09 late Thursday evening...what an amazing time!! The Spirit was moving and the youth were responding. The sense I kept getting was that God really wanted youth, especially those who had grown up in Christians homes and knew the gospel, to respond to it. What I didn't realize was that this applied to me just as much as it applied to unsaved kids. Every time I sin, every time I disobey and rebel against God, I'm turning my back on Him. I'm rejecting the most precious gift that God could give. And I do it every day, every hour, every minute. But the incredible thing is, God's grace covers me. Every time I give in to my sinful desires, God says to me, "I still love you. I will always love you. There is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you." What on earth did I do to deserve such love? How can I ever repay such devotion? I am so unfaithful and so unworthy of God's love, yet He forgives every impure thought and fleshly desire. What else can I do but return to Him on my knees and thank Him? I used to think that you would ask Jesus into your heart once, and that was it. No, you have to ask him back every time you've rejected him, which for me is all the time. This song popped into my head while we were worshiping on Monday night, and I really think it encompasses the sense that God was giving me:

Come to Me
Come and see
The perfect plan I have for you
The priceless give I gave to you
Come to Me
Come and be
Awed by my amazing grace
Dazzled by my loving face
Come to Me
Come

Silence

Silence

the absence of sound

waiting for sound

to break it

Sound 

the absence of silence

waiting for silence

to save it

Silent Sounds

noise screaming in the quiet

if you listen you can hear them

the aborted baby, the abused child,

the addicted boy, the pregnant girl,

the alcoholic man, the anorexic women,

screaming

screaming silently 

for help

Old Friends

They say old friends are the best friends. 

"Why?" I would argue. "Why are old friends the best? It seems kind of mean to your new friends to say 'well I like you, but you're not an old friend, so you can't be the best." 

I never understood that saying. Until now.

One of my best friends from Virginia just came up for a long weekend. We had kept in contact over the years, but it had been a while since I referred to her as a best friend. Naturally I was excited for her to come up and I anticipated making a memory or two. I was also a tiny bit apprehensive as to how the trip would go because a) it was a decently long trip and b) I hadn't spent real time with her in over 8 years, but I was confident we would be able to make it through the visit swimmingly. 

My mom and I picked her up from the train station late Thursday afternoon and immediately we clicked the same way we did so many years ago. "Wow," I thought, "this will be easy!" It was. We walked down memory lane, we made many more memories, we laughed, we talked, we listened to music, we watched movies. She met "my people" and every single person I introduced her to loved her. every. single. one. I'm always sad when visits end and friends from far away go home, but I'm usually ready to get back into the swing of life. I wasn't ready today when I watched Molly walk back into the train station to go home. 

Friends are funny things. Sometimes you enjoy them, sometime they annoy the heck out of you, but you always love your true friends. All friends are great, but old friends are the best.   

An ode to New England Weather

April showers
Bring May showers
Which bring June showers
And July showers

August showers
Bring September showers
And lots and lots of October showers

Maybe we'll see some Mayflowers in November.

I like rain. :)

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